Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Hello Spring!

Have you missed me? I haven't been posting to my blog much these days. Although I have been writing tons of drafts, never satisfied with my writing they just sit there waiting to never be published. Im in a place in life where Im not sure what I want to share with the internet anymore. Should I spill my guts on this blog and just put all of our life out here for the world to see.. or maybe just the good things that make our life seem a little too close to perfect? Today I want to share the recent happenings in life and maybe Ill decide in the near future what the direction of this sad little blog is going.

Where to start? 
Sophia just turned five and I nearly had a mental breakdown. Five years old, I cant seem to fathom that she's so big already. It always seems like just yesterday she was born, rolling over for the first time, walking for the first time, or saying her first word. Now she's nearing the end of preschool and is registered for a full day of Kindergarten in the fall. She is so smart, incredibly tall, super funny, and an all around joy to have in our life. Im so thankful and blessed that I get to be her mother and watch her grow into her big personality!

AJ just celebrated his 28th birthday (getting close to the big 3 0)  We have been having a lot of talks about the future making a 3-5 year plan. He will be going to trade school at night school in the fall while still working 40-60 hours a week. He really wants to be able to provide the very best life for his children and me, and he wants to be able to have a better job with more pay, better benefits, and maybe even a retirement fund. Im a lucky lady that he really wants to work so hard for us.

Dexter is two a half and living up to the hype of his age. In to everything and a little nuts some days. He really enjoys play-doh and painting and that seems to be the best choices when I need a little quiet time even if tis a bit messy. He blows me away with how smart he is and he has the vocabulary of an almost four year old. I give all that credit to Sophia for never acting like he was younger then her and playing with him like he is her age. I still haven't gotten the nerve to cut his luscious blonde locks. His little curls that bounce when he runs just make me so happy and the length doesn't seem to be bothering him yet so I wont be cutting it any time soon.

and I guess all that leaves is me, I can't really decide where I am at right now. Im in the motions of repetitive days that come with motherhood. School, housework, playtime, dinner, bath time, and bed. I was debating on trying to start school but with Sophia's school schedule, AJ's work schedule, and needing to find childcare that just doesn't seem possible right now. Im in a weird phase right now wanting to do more then what I am doing now. My kids are gaining more independence, and In not sure what I want to do with my future. I love being a stay at home mom and wife and being able to enjoy every moment with the kids.. but I feel like I can do more. Id love to be pregnant and expecting another baby but that doesn't seem to be in our two year plan and that makes me sad. But I am also going to try and focus a little more on myself, my writing, my hobbies, and my overall well being.
So heres to hoping I can find a little bit more of me buried under this all mom all wife all the time.

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Goodbye December, Goodbye 2015

    Usually I am all about the holidays and doing them big! This year Aj and I both felt off. We still enjoyed Christmas of course, time with the kids, and our family.. It just didn't feel as joyful as it normally does. I think with the past few months being rough, and having been dealing with the loss of our pregnancy we both expected it to be hard. It was actually extremely hard for me, I felt this emptiness inside. To be honest I had already excitedly bought a few things for the new baby to add to our Christmas morning a few months ago. I expected to have a big round belly and dreamed of the following Christmas having three kids, but none of that happened and it was hard. I put on a brave face for my family and children but my husband could see right threw it and knew exactly how I was feeling. I just feel like my days are on repeat, some days are great and I feel good. Others I feel lost, empty and hard to get threw till bedtime. With the new year I hope I will find some healing being able to have more good days then bad. To be able to whole heartedly enjoy the upcoming years holidays with my two beautiful children and Husband. I thought it wouldn't hurt so much still, but it still feels so fresh in my mind. Im ready for 2015 to be over, even though I never want to wish away time. I think just starting the New year off fresh and trying to have a clear head will be good for not only me but Aj as well.
     What kind of goals do you have for 2016? I haven't really thought much about them yet. What are you hoping to leave behind in 2015? I want to leave some of my grief and pain in 2015, along with maybe some of this holiday weight! I love that with a New year it kind of wipes your slate to start it off with a bang and in a positive mind set. So heres to a new year with new opportunity for personal growth and adventure.